I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
