Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
