How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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