I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
