I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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