my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize