Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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