I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
