It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
