so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
