Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
