i always forget guys have bellybuttons
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
