he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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