i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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