I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
