your parents love me but you hate me
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
