Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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