Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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