Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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