I want you more than these girls want KFC
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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