You smell like stripper and shame
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Be still, my beating vagina.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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