i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You're a waste of cheezeits
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
