dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
