So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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