I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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