I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
