thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize