well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize