Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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