I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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