she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
