I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
