are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
