Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She's the barista slut.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
