Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
