i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
