i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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