he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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