Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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