True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
