I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
