I heard we made out
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
