thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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