Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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