Apparently you make a good broom.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
