remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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