i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
