Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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