my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
