I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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