Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
so much tequila, so little girl.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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