so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
