You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you had me at cake vodka
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
