I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
